As
most people know, I have an MFA in writing for children and young adults. Most
of us in this weird club with this highly specialized degree would agree that
the question we get the most often is “Why do you write for teenagers?”
MFAs
in writing are supposed to be serious business; often too serious, judging by
the frequently mocking references to “MFA writing” in the serious literary
community. So it seems counterintuitive to most folks to bother paying all that
money and doing all that work to get fancy letters behind your name that are
all about making up stories for obnoxious, self-centered kids. After all,
that’s not very serious is it? So truly, why bother? The reasons are always multi-faceted
for all of us, yet our primary reasons differ from person to person. My primary
answer is that I write for myself, as many writers would say. But I realize
that at the heart of my Self, that is, the adult adaptation of my soul, is teenage me. And dealing with that is the
most serious (and often painful) business I could possibly invest myself in.
I’m
lucky enough to have gotten to watch the development of significantly younger
cousins and, most closely, my own brother, from infancy to adulthood. In my
observation of these people, we are mostly born who we are. Yes, we significantly
mature and develop our unique personal qualities. Or they can be adulterated by
pain or abuse, walls can go up as a result of loss or trauma, deflections and
disguises often become a part of our everyday survival. But inherent in those words—wall, deflect, disguise—is the
indication that the something that
lies beyond is what it has always been and always will be.
So
what’s so special about adolescence, if I am who I’ve always been? I think it
has to do with a kind of Self consciousness you lack as a young child. Young
children look out a window, so to speak—they are watching and absorbing,
molding themselves to fit their familial and cultural expectations with very
little regard for themselves as an individual. Ask a typical five-year-old
seriously who they think they are and they’ll likely simply tell you their
name. That’s the only identifying factor that matters much at this age. They
are who they are, but that is of little importance to them. But ask a teenager
who they think they really are and you’ll get a deer in headlights look, a
terror of being revealed.
Teens
stop looking out the window and become, developmentally appropriately, what
adults often condescendingly refer to as “navel gazers”. They start spending
tons of time literally and figuratively looking at themselves, as they were
born and shaped, in the mirror. What do people see when they see me? What do I see when I see me? Does it measure up?
Is it good enough?
And
I say, try though we may to bury it deeply, to hide it, ignore it, and laugh at
it, the unique brand of pain that comes with facing those questions on a daily
basis shapes everything about who we are and who we become in the six or seven
decades of our lives after
adolescence.
Yes,
we grow up. We get more comfortable in our skin. If we’re lucky, we learn to
accept compliments with grace, we put less stock in our physical appearance, we
embrace our talents despite continued struggle to fully actualize them. But
underneath that, underneath all of that, something remains.
Recently,
my dear friend posted this picture from my senior prom on Facebook. Yep, that's me in back, the brunette with the 'I'm forcing this smile right now' look on her face :
I’m so glad she posted it, I’ve been looking for it for ages!
I wanted it for my author website someday, and you better believe I'll put it there! But looking at
it was even more painful than I’d anticipated. At first I resorted to the defense mechanisms I refer to above—I ‘jokingly’ referred to myself as a huge
loser. It was classic deflecting, the ‘call yourself something first so nobody has a chance to
think it before you acknowledge it yourself’ move. I showed the photo to my husband,
Matt.
“Come
here!” I called. “Here’s that picture I’ve been wanting to show you!”
“What
picture?” he asked, coming into the room.
“The
group picture from my senior prom when I couldn’t get a date,” I tried to joke, but I
started crying before I could even finish the sentence. I let a second pass.
“Wow,”
I said. “I guess that stuff never, ever goes away, does it?”
Did
it matter that I am now a reasonably confident grown woman happily married to a man who adores me beyond all
reasonable expectation I may have a right to, and pregnant with his baby? That I'm happier and more fulfilled than I've ever been? Nope. Not to
teenage me. Not to the me that still lives right there in the middle, constantly
whispering to my subconscious all of the reasons that I don’t measure up.
Will anything ever change her mind? She made the first decisions about my self worth,
and friends, those decisions stick around.
As
I continued to look at that picture, I remembered viscerally how that and other
similar situations felt all through my junior high and high school years. “The
worst part,” I told Matt, “was knowing that if I didn’t get in the picture, I
was calling attention to myself. I was making everyone feel awkward and sorry
for me. But if I did, I completely stuck out and looked like a loser. I was screwed either way. I felt
like that all. the. time.”
Though
my sweet friend’s sweet boyfriend who didn’t go to our school graciously
stepped out of the picture so that she could be my “other,” it didn’t really
change anything. I was still the defective one. I knew that there were rumors
that I was a lesbian, that I was a little too
close to my girl friends. I also knew there was nothing I could do to change
it, even though it was so not true.
I
had crushes on boys all the time, but the second they showed what maybe even could have been
a glimmer of interest in return I would nearly have a panic attack. One time I
actually did have a panic attack, shaking uncontrollably on the bathroom floor after a boy I liked
dared to put his arm around me. In hindsight, I can see the damage that was
done to me in my childhood and the strange and opposite way I chose to deal
with it—where most girls hurt in the way I was may have become promiscuous, I
became completely closed off when it came to even beginner-level intimacy with boys. A therapist I saw a few times called it
“fascinating and unique” as a coping mechanism. But to teenage me at the time,
I just felt like a freak. I didn’t know what my problem was, all I knew was
that boys didn’t like me. In typical cruel and simplistic teenage fashion, this
led to a self-judgment that I wasn’t worth much. And I was probably ugly.
So
as an adult, am I kinder to myself? Of course I am. I don’t really believe
those things (intellectually) anymore. For me, getting out of my small town and exploring the
world, daring myself and taking those dares, was the psychological equivalent
of getting out of the small, mean box I’d put my Self in and looking at what
was really real about who I was. As I progressed through my twenties I became increasingly
confident and self-aware, more and more willing to take on scary things as
exciting challenges and open myself up to others, and much more able to deal
with rejection and meanness and efficiently leave it outside of the box where I
keep my self-worth. Overall, I’m pretty proud of who I am and who I’ve become.
My external expression of that person could use some work, my efficiency leaves
something to be desired (to put it kindly), but that’s an essay for another
day.
But
still. Teenage me exists. She controls more than I’d like her to. When a photo
from thirteen years ago demonstrates its power to bring me to tears, I can’t
forget that. So I remember anew that the most important reason I write for teenagers is that I write for her.
I
write for her because like most adults, I try to bury her and lock her away. But: I’m always aware
that just a tiny slight of her hand can act like a railroad switch—cause an
alteration in judgment that is oh-so-easy to just not notice in the moment,
though it may change the whole trajectory of my life.
I
may not be able to get rid of her, but I cling to a stubborn belief that I can
love her and teach her, maybe even help her heal. I have to believe that I can
get her to understand that she wasn’t a loser at her senior prom, and she
wasn’t the only senior that didn’t get a date. She was actually the only one with the guts to do what she wanted to do and
go anyway, in her shimmery blue and purple snakeskin print dress she’d
optimistically purchased months before. She was the beginning of the person who
said yes I’ll go to Spain for a year even though no I don’t speak Spanish or
know anyone there. Yes, I’ll go to California and work at that camp for the
summer, sight unseen. Yep, I’ll transfer schools my senior year of college
rather than go back to the school that made me miserable. Sure, I'll volunteer to translate Spanish to the best of my ability for total strangers at the free medical clinic. Absolutely, I’ll get
an MFA in writing for kids, because I know that’s what I was born to do, even
if it does mean bucking every single piece of conventional writing wisdom and
taking out monster loans to do it.
Teen me was seriously awesome. She made the very first of my biggest, bravest choices without precedent to reassure her that it would turn out okay, even amazing. I’m going to keep writing the stories I need to tell to
help her understand how awesome she is, until she gets it through her head. Is it futile? Maybe, but I have to try. Because when she
gets that, that’s the last piece of the puzzle. That’s when I really get that, not just on the
surface, but all the way through to the middle. It would be the truest kind of freedom there is. And then who knows what I'll be able to do?
Hi. It's been awhile since I've written anything for a few reasons--one, my mom has been here to talk to when Matt is working so I'm never full of words with nobody to speak them to. Two, my days have continued to be boring. I wrote a blog three days ago but never posted it because it was insufferably boring. It was like, we went to the store, I napped, we cooked dinner, we watched some episodes of Friends, I worked on sewing an initial on a onesie. The end. I mean, my days are generally awesome (to me) and just what I need, but I feel like I've gotten the point across already that I am not doing too much of importance, and that's just the way I like it. No need to keep recording the details.
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