Hi. It's been awhile since I've written anything for a few reasons--one, my mom has been here to talk to when Matt is working so I'm never full of words with nobody to speak them to. Two, my days have continued to be boring. I wrote a blog three days ago but never posted it because it was insufferably boring. It was like, we went to the store, I napped, we cooked dinner, we watched some episodes of Friends, I worked on sewing an initial on a onesie. The end. I mean, my days are generally awesome (to me) and just what I need, but I feel like I've gotten the point across already that I am not doing too much of importance, and that's just the way I like it. No need to keep recording the details.But, not every day is awesome. Friday was hard. I cried all day because I was scared and hormonal and overwhelmed. Then Saturday and Sunday were fantastic again, Monday was quite good considering that it was my "due date" (I hate that term), but today has again turned out to be a rough one. Because to be honest, as much as I have this ideal situation and I'm so incredibly lucky to be getting everything exactly how I wanted it (a baby. a birth at The Farm, wonderful quiet time with people I love the most), I'm still really scared sometimes.
And to continue to be even more honest and make myself look like a huge jerk, I'm not like every other mom-to-be in the world right now. I'm not like every Facebook friend I've ever had who's been like "I can't wait to meet my baby, I'm so done being pregnant, I'm so ready to hold him, I'm sooooo excited!" I feel like screw this. This is big and scary and I have no idea what I'm doing or what I've gotten into. I've limited my own options which makes it even scarier, and I'm full of self-doubt and this baby that I worked so hard for and waited so long for barely seems real. But then I know that he is, and all I can think about is that when he comes I'm going to be swollen, sore and bleeding from all of my most sensitive body parts, I'm going to be delirious from sleep deprivation, I'm going to be a total newb, my life as I knew it will be over forever, and I'm afraid I'm going to fail at ALL of it.
My midwife took me on a long walk through the woods today, up and down hills, and I was scared. I didn't really want to do it because what if it made labor start? I'm afraid I'll never go into labor and I'm afraid that I will. I feel so uncertain in my own body that everyone says knows what it's doing but maybe not quite because as the other side of everyone says, first babies are tricky and most of them do something wrong like coming out crooked or backwards or dangerously late.
Then the second I start to talk about any of this I dissolve into a total mess of guilty, guilty tears because I remember infertility and how much I resented anyone who complained about anything about being pregnant or having a newborn, and all I can think is that by saying and even feeling this crap I am not honoring the pain of every woman who can't have it at all.
I can't conceptualize ANY of the good stuff about this mom thing right now, and that's really hard. I can't bring myself to be excited today. I can't really believe that I'm not a huge wimp and a loser and I'll want to punk out as soon as I'm actually confronted with really birthing this baby, and then the worst part is I know I'm being so hard on myself and it's so unfair and I should be more gentle and then I get EVEN MADDER at myself and the cycle continues. Sound fun? Wish you were me? (If I were me reading this a year ago, I'd be like actually, yes bitch. I do.) It's not that I'm not endlessly thankful, it's just that sometimes my emotions don't follow my intentions. And that's just reality.
So there's the truth about the side of these days that is not all fun TV shows and home cooked meals, sewing and sunshine and fall leaves. I had to get it out. And people who wanted me to keep this blog wanted to know the truth about my time here, and this is a big part of it. It's not all bliss and baby dreams and confidence in myself and nature. Some hours of some days, it just sucks.
To thank you for reading this not so nice stuff and (I hope) loving me anyway, here are some nice pictures to look at:
A sunset silhouette Matt took on my due date:
Me and Mom on a bench:
I hope my previous comment went through. This is just a P.S. to say that I also love the photos!
ReplyDeleteI remember going through such a similar roller-coaster of emotions when I was pregnant with Matt! What you've written will be hugely comforting to all those women who worry that no one else could possibly be feeling such an array of wildly divergent emotions. A wonderful blog! Much, much love, Elise
ReplyDeleteOh Mandy. The hardest part is being real and honest about how you feel. Being pregnant is an emotional roller coaster! And children rock your world. All of that is true. When the time is right your baby will come. That means whether you think you're ready or not. And you may even have some of these feelings after he comes. Your first thing as a new mommy is to hold that baby and let it start to sink in. Mommies will give you advice, but it's your adventure, and your family. May God give you strength, I'm praying for you. BTW the silhouette picture...BEAUTIFUL!
ReplyDeleteYou are brave and amazing. Your honesty, though difficult for you, is beautiful and true. Keeping you in my thoughts. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we need our very best decisions to become runaway trains... no way out. You've prepared for this... maybe even over-prepared for this. And it's going to be amazing. But there is a danger in setting something too high or on too much of a pinnacle. Birth and motherhood is a crucial part of the cycle of life. It's also messy, scary, exhausting, frustrating, terrifying and the most incredible thing you will ever do.
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